The Italian Job

Driven to distraction

(spoilers)

Out of the many ways that a film can be received and remembered by society, there is little more derisive than being placed in the pantheon of “Dad Movies”. We all know what sort of movies are in there. Submarine movies from the 50's and 60's, any western made before the 90's, most heist movies and anything involving Robert DeNiro (excluding his attempts at comedy). This is not say that all Dad Movies are bad, far from it. But there plenty that will never shake the label. And of all the Dad Movies that exist, the one most people are aware of is The Italian Job.

Released in 1969, The Italian Job was directed by Peter Collinson and stars Michael Caine. There are other people, but people only remember Michael Caine. And to be fair, he is the stand-out actor of the whole piece. But unfortunately that's not saying very much. I can only remember three characters from the whole movie by name, and that's only because they are all played by famous actors. It cannot be stressed enough enough how average every performance is in this movie, even Caine isn't that good. He has gotten better with age granted, but this is not a strong performance.

Caine plays Charlie Croker, a professional thief in the same vein as Danny Ocean, only slightly less charming and more of a womaniser. The same day he gets out of prison, he is asked by his dead friend (via a surprisingly well edited and staged film reel) about a massive job in Turin, Italy. That's the set up for the first third of the movie. It shouldn't be as weak as it feels, it's basically the same set-up to every heist movie ever made. But there is no reason for it, no impetus. Croker does the job seemingly because he's bored and greedy. And based on the way he treats his dead friends recently bereaved wife, it's not for revenge or anything like that. It's hard to get invested in something you don't care about.

Croker needs to assemble a team and get a financier, and so begins the second third of the film. The finance is provided by Mr Bridger, played by Noël Coward. Mr Bridger is the best character. We don't hear anything specifics about him, we just know that he's a gangster running a criminal empire from prison. Once Crocker convince him by hiding in his personal toilet (yes really), Crocker puts together a team. The team is big and utterly forgettable, it's just a load of generic British criminals. They all have names, but you'll mostly just remember the one memorable trait they have, if they're lucky enough to have one.

There is one person that really does stand out from the rest of the crowd. Part of the heist involves sabotaging the traffic control system for Turin. To do this, Crocker enlists Professor Peach, played by the comedy icon Benny Hill. Peach is a perverted chubby chaser who was sent to a mental health facility because he groped his maid. He is also one of, if not the, first “hacker” to appear in a heist film. He is enlisted to sabotage the traffic controls and is then written out of the film. We se him dragged into police station after groping a woman on a tram. A class act to be sure.

It also seems that most of the prep consists of nice cars being destroyed and thrown off cliffs. The finale of the first scene is a beautiful Lamborghini being thrown down a Swiss mountainside by the Italian Mafia. Part of the preparation involves driving the Minis through a brick wall. And of course there's the “You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” segment, which for the record is now very anti-climactic given how many times the scene has been homaged and shown and referenced by every other piece of media in the known universe And there's the protracted scene where two Jaguars and an Aston Martin are crushed by a bulldozer, again at the hands of the Italian Mafia.

And then, after even more time wasting, we finally get to the heist. And to the film's credit, the heist is actually pretty amazing. The sheer technical difficulty of getting everything in place, finding enough stuntmen and just getting the studio to sign off on it are all worthy of admiration. Whilst the actual “heist” is pretty average. Somehow, the Italian police are foiled by a bunch of men with sticks, and the crew gets the gold. After a flurry of english accents, the mini's head off into the streets. And thus begins the Getaway, and what a Getaway it is.

Because we are never told the exact plan of escape, the chase is much more exciting. Somehow, the film crew managed to get permission to drive in and around the buildings of Turin, and they use it. They drive up and down stairs, onto roofs, off ramps on the roofs and through a drainage pipe. The way this is scene is done, from the cinematography to the stunt work is incredible. This is the only part of the movie that lives up to the hype. But it's over so suddenly. And then the ending happens, and the film suddenly ends on a very literal cliffhanger that, while humorous, is nowhere near satisfying.

You have already seen this movie, even if you've never sat down to watch it. You know the lines, the iconography, the mood. This film is just okay, it's a good way to spent 90 minutes and that's about it. I watched it to see what all the hype was about and to say that I had seen it. Whether you watch it or not is entirely your choice. You won't lose anything, but you may not gain anything either.