I'm in Love with a Church Girl

I want a church girl to go to church

(Spoilers)

I don't hate religion. I feel like I have to say this at the top of this review because it's gonna look like an atheist saying every religious person on earth is a half-a-bit, talentless hack who must be stealing out of the tithe dish to produce this kinda crap. Who actually funds this stuff, and furthermore, why? The phenomenon of Christian media isn't very prevalent in the UK, but in the USA? They make it by the quiver-full and they are a surprisingly wide industry. Christian Music Labels, Christian Radio, Christian TV, Christian Clothing and of course Christian Movies. It was only a matter of time we got here on this blog. Time to open this can of sanctimonious worms.

I'm in Love with a Church Girl is a 2013 drama directed by Steven Race and produced by Reverence Gospel Media, and God. God is the Executive Producer, and boy oh boy would I have loved to see his notes on the script and the casting. You've got one of the lesser Baldwins, Michael Madsen (for about 5 minutes total), two Christian Rappers and JA. RULE. Yes, Ja Rule, that rapper everyone kinda remembers from back in the day is the leading man. And let me say this, his acting may in fact be duller than his bars by a country mile. He has the screen presence of an untrained child actor on a low budget TV show. And the best actor in this movie would be the worst in any other, which leads me to assume that taking acting lessons is considered heretical these days.

The film follows the story of Miles Montengo, the “biggest drug dealer in California” and not a church goer and he's every stereotype white screen writers have of black characters rolled into one. He sells drugs (nothing specific, just “drugs”), he listen to rap music, flirts with women at nightclubs, and uses phrases like “tight”, “fire” and “holla'” and generally comes across as the least believable man on earth. One day he meets Vanessa, who's entire life is defined by church and nothing else. All she talks about is church, god and the bible and occasionally looks pretty. Miles wants a bite of that communion wafer so bad he stops selling drugs and starts organising “funk nights”. It's christian funk so don't get too excited. Miles has a crisis of faith when his mother dies and Vanessa gets knocked into a coma, which he resolves by screaming at a stain glass window the immortal phrase “You want to send me to Hell? BOOK THE FLIGHT!” Vanessa wakes up, they get hitched, have 2.5 kids and Miles becomes a pastor. The end. Oh, and the DEA investigation into his criminal empire turns up nothing because the lead investigator sees him become a Christian and decides to call it off. That's right, apparently God aids and abets now. Who knew?

This film is a zero-effort shrine to Bastardised Christianity where here all you have to do is give a lot of money to Pastors who drive European sports cars and tell you that “the only reason you struggle is because you don't love God enough.” It is disgusting how it dodges any potential critiques and challenges that could be used to have a real dialogue about faith and redemption in favour of just placating it's target audience into believing that they don't need to think or act for themselves. Not only to audiences deserve better films than this, but Christians deserve better than to be led by the nose at the behest of millionaires trying to further line their pockets. Regardless of what you believe, don't watch this crap. As a Christian it will try to manipulate you and as a humble movie watcher, like me, it will bore you to tears.